Ana Avers..

Success and what not!

2011-07-23T13:00:00.000-07:00

When one comes to think of it, what really is being successful?

Being in the last year of college, worries and fears are crawling up and making me realize that the real world awaits. A series of What ifs bar my mind whenever I think of the future. I guess the prodigy of 'Follow your dreams' is somehow overrated, though I am a keen believer I do not know if I can do the same.

Hell, how can I, when I still haven't concluded on the avid topic of What exactly is it that would make me happy! I somewhat lack a dream right now. Although I have other dreams, related to the work I do, which is mostly AIESEC, to establish the fact that I am good at what I do. But what exactly is it that I wanna do?

Last night was a reminiscence into the past. Again. Though it is so painful that I hate going there. The direction in which my life is steering right now feels okay. I feel okay. Not happy, not too sad. Okay.

How much more could I take? I have no answer. Like my best friend said, how much more can life push me? And more importantly, till what limit will I fall and rise?

Its good to fight. Its good to stand alone. Its good to see people thinking, wow, she's strong like a rock. But somehow I wonder, being strong has lead the world around me to believe that nothing can shake me down. I am afraid that a breeze could shatter me right away. But.

Yes, the admission that I am going to need someone is pretty obvious and frequent these days.
But.

Land me somewhere where I am happy, a prayer, as always. Enough.

2011-05-29T09:59:00.000-07:00

Weird things they are.

Take you back to the time where you belong,

Some cried, some laughed.

Some just were there to walk along,

Some moments that bring tears to your eyes,

Some moments that tickle you, like a feather,

Written words of smiles and friendships,

Or unspoken promises of tomorrow,

Now you turn back and see.

It was never meant to be.

A mother's smile, a father's wit.

A sister's hug, a lover's split.

But most valuable of all above,

Pictures, bring back people you love.

Black and white, or splashes of red.

Remind you of the things unsaid.

Of people and feelings that die never,

A picture is a memory forever.

Life, that bitch.

2011-02-05T11:55:00.001-08:00

Life, that bitch.

The stolen smile that lives for a day

Secret woes, some hidden pain,

The numb feeling, a cruel itch

It never stops, Life, that bitch.

Eerie as darkest, sinister night,

Fake as the moon in the sky

Frail as the Caesar who was ditched

It never stops, Life, that bitch.

Happy colors, shiny names

Passing pleasures to play the game

One day beggar, next day rich

But it never stops, Life, that bitch.

Death is ugly, but death is true

Life is vague, life is blue

Baffles your mind, the bloody witch

It never stops, Life, that bitch.

Hide the scars, live insane

Time you lose, moments you gain

All the wounds get them stitched.

Because it never stops, Life, that bitch.

My angel.

2010-10-13T10:58:00.001-07:00

When we used to watch TV,

When we used to snuggle up,

When we used to gossip,

And when we did makeup.

When we used to go for drives

And ate all the world’s junk,

When we used to shop,

When we used to raid your trunks!

When we went for the movies,

And you always cursed me –

“You always take me to worst ones!”

I used to just smile and be.

When you used to get all stylish

Ad jazzy for a party

Your darkest, matt lipstick,

Such beauty, so hearty!

When you used to cook!

People would bite their hands!

When you sang in that sugar tone,

And oh! The way you danced!!!

And If I can ever forget,

Those long chats on the phone,

I would have kept each of them,

If only I knew you’d be gone.

I miss you a lot!

A lot which cannot be said,

I miss your laughter, your winks,

The kisses, the hugs, your obsession with red!

I have loved no one more.

I never can, never will.

You’re always, always around me.

Each corner of my heart – you fill.

I’d give all, all I have!

To hold your delicate hand,

To kiss hard on your cheek,

To bring you back to the land!

But you’re up there high, aren’t you?

Gossiping with them angels, I guess?

When I want you out here with me,

To show me my light, to clear up the mess.

I love you, again I say,

I miss you baby, I miss you sweet love,

You’re being away, kills a part of me each day,

And when I’m asking this –

I’m being as genuine as I could be,

Tell that angel to send mine back to me!

Yes, I am the chosen one.

2010-09-27T21:13:00.001-07:00

“The moment in your life, that moment which is meant to be the door to your change, that very moment when you’ve got to give up or give in, I gave in, I smiled at it, and it changed my life.”

So there’s no better way to start this. I’m back from NLDS 2010 and I realized that when I didn’t wake up to the banging of plates in the morning. It’s sad, and it’s so sad that I cannot define it. When I first stepped into AIESEC, I had a feeling that something in my life is going to change. But after NLDS 2010, my life itself changed.

So what’s so special about it? What’s not? I met people from 19 different cities, people with different cultures, outlooks and perceptions. I met nine individuals – nine great people who have an aura of amaze around them. I think they’re the most influential people I have ever met. I met people of my local committee and observed what differs and what’s alike amongst us. I met a person who has changed so much after this organization happened in his life that it is impossible to believe. I met renowned people from the corporate and NGO world that I wouldn’t have even dreamt of meeting. I met a few internationals and learnt what they thought about my country. I came to know about the greatness of my local committee.

And what did I learn? Oh, there’s loads of stuff! I learned the art of not sleeping, not eating, not sulking, not getting bored, not getting tired, not getting discouraged. I learned the quality of concentrating, actually listening to people, being humble, interacting, sharing, following and leading. Yes, AIESEC teaches you both. You learn to follow the people who can lead you and you learn to lead the people willing to follow you.

If there’s one thing I couldn’t learn, it was how to get over it. I mean my NLDS-2010 depression is not going to go for a long time now. But again, I have better opportunities to look forward to. When the last time I met the MC, I was a new recruit who had no idea about anything. Now I want to meet them as an individual AIESECer who has done something, contributed something for the progress of the organization she has fallen in love with.

Lastly, I had fun. I had fun every moment of the day. I don’t know where the MC people or the OC people Or the Facilitators get this from, but they were able to make us laugh whenever they wanted. They were able to wake us up and that was a tough job. With their spontaneity and their extremely amazing sense of humor (esp. Mr. Manveer Grewal’s), they were able to make us sigh in awe of them. All in all, they knew how to have fun and taught us the same.

I miss everything. I miss having more than 500 people around me. I miss the plenary. I miss the smiles. I miss the jokes. I miss the sessions (esp. the ‘I’ session :P). I miss the randomness. I miss the jives (OMG, how could I forget about them!). I miss the incredible roll-calls. I miss the weary eyes and the pathetic food.

I can see how gelled up we were last night during the time when candles were lit and huddles were made. But for now, I have better things to look at and the best things to remember.

-Aanchal Gupta

A proud member of AIESEC Jaipur, AIESEC India, AIESEC International.

I have a me... to be!

2010-09-02T10:16:00.000-07:00

I have a word to say,

A tear to cry, a pray to pray.

I have a thing to hide,

A fleck of jealous, a grain of pride.

I have a smile to share,

A moment of ecstasy, a knowledge of rare.

I have a sigh to show,

Of a numb pain, of a silent woe.

I have a feeling to veil,

A walk in the rain, the horror of fail.

I have a secret to spree,

I cry in the crowd and no one can see.

An exclusive work of art.

2010-08-13T10:14:00.001-07:00

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

By Mary Elizabeth Frye.

I want to live to tell the tale.

2010-07-13T22:02:00.001-07:00

A survivor willing to cope,

Clinging to the shredded bits of dying hope,

I see snakes on apple trees,

On beds of roses - stinging bees,

Still holding on to the doubt,

Melting inside and out,

Scorching sun on the head,

Looking onto the moon instead,

Nowhere to find the times of smiles,

A speech of despair and of strange exiles.

Where do I find - love, peace and moments to cherish?

Where do I find –a stack of orchids and ways to flourish?

I feel I have come a way too long.

I feel that I have lost all my songs.

But I’m still clinging to the dying dime-

Of hope and love and of happy times.

For I don’t want to be known as the one who failed,

And I want to live to tell my survival tale.

How things change.

2010-07-09T09:32:00.000-07:00

Alive and frantic;
Only watching rainbows through purple eyes.
In love with love and colors of heart.
The world being an oyster,
A hundred miles away from dismay.
No questions, all answers-
All friends no foe.
A destiny to be followed,
Like the hands of God upon us.

Things change.

Love is no longer red.
It's all pain, you see.
All rainbows gave away to the piercing sun.
Still black, still hollow.
No angel to pat on the back,
No friend to chat about the green days.
Fake wind chimes of happy times.

How things change!

Beware, there is a tomorrow.
Scarlet is not afar from black.
God loves all, not equally though.
People will become yours, again, and leave.
You see, its unstable,
The equation of life,
A talking parrot, the uphills of destiny,
You never know whether it's lying.
But if you have sunken in the pail of dark,
It's only good for you to know,

Things change.

The bruises on my knee.

2010-05-25T10:24:00.001-07:00

No matter what you see.

What you mean and what you be.

No matter how wrong you make me.

I'll still be the one with bruises on my knee.

No matter how the times flee.

What they think and what they agree.

No matter how many 'Wes' there are or how many 'she's'.

I'll still be the one with bruises on my knee.

No matter how you put the fake smiles for me.

What you do to hurt and how you set me free.

No matter how much pain you guarantee,

I'll still be the one with bruises on my knee.

No matter you can take my smile and my glee,

Lock up my spirit and throw the key,

You wont be able to take back your touch and my plea.

I'll still be the one with bruises on my knee.

Why?

2010-05-19T08:24:00.001-07:00

Why do I feel this way?

The dreams of passion and of good times,

Why do they seem so intense?

The times in the past when I laughed my heart,

Why doesn’t it make any sense?

My belief and my longings,

My grief and my belongings,

It has started to feel so small,

Things that I thought could change my life,

Have rather no effect at all,

My people are there or not there

No more does it matter to me?

As long as I am breathing,

As long as I am free.

I could cry a thousands Niles

Or I could laugh a hundred rainbows

Or I could just keep quiet for my own sake

And watch the world.

For it makes sense, this humankind,

Follow the strong, trample the frail,

Rejoice the win, condemn the fail,

Walk away from sorrow and pain,

For it is nothing new that is happening to you,

The great is in rising up and shining again!

Valentine

2010-04-27T00:05:00.000-07:00

[A small lovely song by Kina]

Love, it’s a special day
We should celebrate and appreciate
That you and me found something pretty neat
And I know some say this day is arbitrary

But it’s a good excuse to put our love to use
Baby, I know what to do
Baby, I will love you
I’ll love you, I’ll love you

Love, I don’t need those things
I don’t need no ring
I don’t need anything
But you with me
‘Cause in your company
I feel happy, oh so happy and complete

And it’s a good excuse to put our love to use
Baby, I know what to do
Baby, I will love you
I’ll love you, I’ll love you

So won’t you be my honey bee?
Giving me kisses all the time
Be mine, be my Valentine

So won’t you be my honey bee?
Giving sweet kisses all the time
Be mine, be my Valentine!

Borrowed love.

2010-03-24T10:38:00.000-07:00

Tonight I see no light,
Tonight is the night of sheer despair.
You know I've been walking through this tunnel
Since a long time now, through thin, cold air.

I see no path my feet can take.
I see no hands to guide, I see no friend.
I see no love, no sight of lush.
Now that my struggle has come to an end.

I see only dark, sorry and pain.
Tonight I ask you to lend me your eye,
Tonight I ask you to hold my hand,
To take me in your arms, and ask me to cry.

Be my knight, salt away me from my doom,
Give me some love, show me some care,
Embrace me in your arms and say-
"Baby, life's not been fair."

The things you did.

2010-03-24T09:38:00.000-07:00

To the best mother in the whole world.. you hold my heart forever..

I don't know where to start from. Why? I have no idea. I have no idea about everything these days. And I don't have ears enough, or, nears enough. I remember images of you. Working in the kitchen, oiling my hair, making me study, scolding me, hugging me, kissing me, singing me to sleep, taking me places and what not!

It's terrible, ma. Life without you. Im just running away from the reality. Sometimes I pretend this is all a dream, and the moment i open my eyes, I'll find you sitting there in your room waiting for me to wake up. I miss your odor ma. I miss your voice. I miss those windy nights when tamarind branches would strike our windows. I miss your judgment, ma. The way you made me wear things you liked and I hated. The way you made me independent.

Why didn't you teach me how to live without you? Why didn't you ask me to take all the responsibilities and grow up before age? Whose fault is it that I am no good anymore? That I cant take it?

And why the heck did you love me so much? Why couldn't you just send me to a darn hostel and never ask me to come back?
Why were you so proud of me, ma? Why did you appreciate me so much? Why did you admire every little worthless thing I did? Why did you tell the world how responsible and able I was?

I loved the way you teased me. I loved the way you asked me if I had a boyfriend. I loved the way you asked me if I was going out on a date.

It's not fair that I face it all alone. It's not fair. I hate you mom. I hate you for making me do this. I hate you for leaving me alone. I hate you for making me grow up. I hate you for taking away all the happiness from my life.

And I hate you for making me realise what you meant to me. That I can never be happy the way I was.

Ive seen you die, baby. Ive seen you going ill. Ive seen the fear in your eyes. Ive seen your spirit fading, your strength smoothing. Nothing more in life can bother me more. Still, every time
I looked at you, I prayed to God that all I want in life is to see your face every morning and night. I have no idea how I'd spend my life. Whether I'd fulfill your expectations or not. Whether I'd make up to your standards or not.

People say I resemble you. I know I don't. I cannot be even half of the fine of a lady that you were. There were so many things you were doing to teach me ma, wheres the deal?

I cannot say stuff. I cannot speak to people. I cannot tell what I'm going through. How you cared, sweety! How you knew I had a problem!

All I want from you is to come in my dreams every night. Or.

Love.

2010-03-20T23:33:00.001-07:00

It is just like the time after it rains. The feeling right after your thirst is quenched. You look into his eyes and you think the world is alright. Your soul seems to wake up when he calls your name. You tell yourself hundred thousand times that you have nothing but hatred for him, but its there, the tiny little feeling in your very own rebellious heart that tells you, you still care. That feeling makes you reach out to him setting apart all ego and grudges. And when he comes to you, you forget the world, you forget yourself. And then, its like you're beyond living a dream. You think you can take over life and face all the blizzards. You know such a person? Go grab him. You lost such a person?
Go grab him.

Pieces of my heart

2010-03-11T07:05:00.000-08:00

It started with you.
Sleep and rise,
You were always with me.
Staring at me with those lovable eyes.
Leaving me tingled,
With feathered fires.
You entered my dreams.
You raided my desires.
The way you made me feel bold,
And held, and cared for.
Your fingers touching mine,
Always left me craving for more.
Then the day your lips touched mine-
They say you're taken to another world.
You owned me right there.
You captured my heart. Left me curled.
There was no way out.
I wanted your warm pool of love.
I wanted you more. More of them charms.
Wanted those hands on my waist forever.
Wanted that hold, those strong arms.
And then one day I found myself,
Walking along that snow laid path,
Cold and miser, alone and in pain,
On my heart were signs of your rose wrath.
My sun was born again with your sunshine face,
And you walked me with baby steps.
I was alive again with your trace,
I was madly in love with you, you see.
My world turns around, my tears find their way,
And my blisters turn green, my miseries laugh.
Every time you say you're my friend,
Don't you see love, I can never have you half.

My love.

2010-03-07T09:09:00.000-08:00

One day baby,

made me realise.

One day, sugar, to open my eyes.

We don't fall in love sweet,

We only rise.

Ma.

2010-02-27T12:12:00.000-08:00

You have no idea what’s happening to me. You have no idea what you’ve made me go through. You have no idea what its doing to me. It’s almost like you…reaching the dead end. Calm in the out, tempest in the inside. I don’t know whether I have your courage to survive through this. You were my best friend, my philosopher, my guide, my life. Your face is like the moist covering my eyes. You, ma, will never leave my life. I see how neatly you’ve put all those shiny clothes you wanted me to have, I see how neatly you have kept those shawls. I see how carefully you have conserved your wedding dress. I see how finely you’ve kept our home. I see how you’re watching every step that him taking and removing any hurdles. But what about you, ma? I know how you loved rain. And how it rained the very next day. I love our home ma. I love my brother. I’m taking care of him, or more, he’s taking care of me. I know how you’d have wanted us to live together. But I’m naught without you ma. I miss you. I miss crying my heart out. I miss seeing you and Dad together. I miss watching your love. I miss the way you used to wait for me. I miss the way you cared, the way you fed, the way you clothed me. I miss your kisses. I miss your hugs. I miss your sweet voice. I miss your sweet teases. I miss you. The best mother in the whole world. You hold my heart forever.

The Pole.

2010-01-18T06:35:00.000-08:00

It happens with time, and it happens with words. It is a sequence of consecutive lies, sorrows, hopes, miseries, pain and loves. You break your bone and you stand back. And then you fall again. Profound as it is, it is not happening only with you. A man walking down the street is not aware of the fact that a microsecond later his body will be in a pool of blood since the pole that he was struck with was meant to be repaired by the electrician who did not come to work that day since his wife left him for another man who got rich by winning a lottery after picking up a chit of mere paper thrown by a kid whose father had just died because of a stupid wrecked pole. It’s all in a jinxed link.

My miseries might be the consequence of your actions, but they’re completely my responsibility. So when it comes to going through and winning over them, it’s the player in me that is going to sieve through the stiff times. And come out, without getting struck by a pole.

Serpent in Paradise

2009-08-30T07:42:00.000-07:00

The bright gleam of a sunny day

The gloom of a dark demise

The green grass, a pink orchid

A serpent in paradise.

The shimmering blue of a hopeful ocean

A wrecked ship full of dead knights

The golden grains of holy sand

A serpent in paradise.

The red of a rose, the pale of an old man

The death of a rainbow butterfly

The blush of a candle, the pink of my love

A serpent in paradise.

Distance.

2009-08-30T07:28:00.000-07:00

I pick up my phone and my fingers move

Like they feel and know what to do

They dial your number in a second

Like it has been a life long trend.

And then meets my ears your voice so rose

Miles away…but I feel you so close,

Then you give me a baby treat

Endow me with your love so sweet!

It so makes me wanna be with you…

Show you that my love is true.

Hold you in my arms and sway

Kiss your lips – night and day

Hug you tight whenever you’re around

Stare you in eyes, keep you love-bound.

Play with your cuffs and hold your finger

Keep you close and let your smell linger

Run my tips in your hair

Keep you like a pearl..show you I care.

Be mine…you’re the prince of my dreams.

Cannot stay away any longer it seems!

Come to me and hold your babe.

Give my heart some peace it craves.

Rip open my soul and you’ll see

You and me – will always be we.

20t June 2009

11.40 AM

Tu maane ya na maane Dildaara

2009-08-29T13:11:00.000-07:00

Rab bande di jaat ikko
Jyon kapade di jat hai roon
Kapade vich jyon roon hai lukaya
Yoon bande vich too
Aape bolen aap bulave
Aap kare hoon hoon

Tu mane ya na mane Dildara
Asaan ne tennu Rab manya

Das hor keda Rab da dawara
Asaan ne tennu Rab manya

Apne tan ki khaak utaari
Tab ye ishq ki manzil paayi
Meri saanson ka bole iktaara
Asaan ne tennu Rab manya

Tujh bin jeena bhi kya jeena
Teri chaukhat mera madeena
Kahin aur na sajda gawara
Asaan ne tennu Rab manya

Haste haste har gham sehna
Raazi teri raza mei rehna
Tune mujhe sihaya hai yaara
Asaan ne tennu Rab manya

-Wadali Brothers.

Fate~

2009-08-19T11:55:00.000-07:00

There's a time in life when one wants to surrender. Since he is too happy or too sad or too demised to extents. At this time he seems to forget anything that could relieve him. He remembers the lost. Just the lost. He cannot accept the fact that it was fate, things had to happen that way. In such times, I repeat to myself, again, yet again, Whatever happens - happens for good.

My mere Life!

2009-08-19T11:51:00.000-07:00

Given all taken nothing,
A shy morning humming a string,
Even if it is a new, bright day,
My black heart will always be full of dismay.
Let’s talk not of the green villages,
Haven’t seen any of them since ages,
Talk about the hard, harsh stones,
Talk about misery and pain unknown.
Once there was- a heart to bond,
A smile to glow on face and beyond,
A hand to hold and walk along,
Warmth to wrap a sacred song,
But again, wasn’t I left alone!?
Sensitized, hurt and pain prone!
Inside hollow, outside low,
No tears, no panic, but a ceaseless woe.
Oh pray! To Thee I pray!
Let the clouds of despair fade…
Show me some rose, melt the knife,
Give it some gold- my mere life!

The only song I ever wrote.

2009-08-19T11:48:00.000-07:00

I love to breathe
While I’m with you
I love to smile
When I’m talking to you.

I love the air
When it’s got your smell
I love the sky
When it’s over your head.

I love the stars
They remind me of you
I love the lake
It gives me a shadow of you.

I love the flowers
They talk of our love
I love the taste
When you kiss me sweetheart.

Oh baby I love you.
Oh baby I love you.
I love myself
When I’m with you.

Open Door or closed?

2009-08-19T11:44:00.000-07:00

At death's door

Once more.

Yet another part of me dies.

The silence that engulfs the tomb of my love

Is taking me towards the darkness again.

How many more blighting assessments?

Hasn’t the countdown begun as yet?

I’m sick of it. The pain, infact, seems to live with me now.

Shares every breath with me, the darned witch.

I’m starting to learn to cut the winds of wretch.

Starting to unfold my wrinkles of misery.

Starting to learn how to dry my eyes.

Starting to pink it again, the walls of my heart.

And it happens quickly.

The rain sets in again. I start to feel the cool.

But why cannot the sunshine be with my shadow?

They have this tiff which smothers me.

I wanna be blithe, you know.

And I wanna be in fine feather.

I wanna have the ace in my hand.

Wish I stand up with every lightening that abashes me to the earth.

Wish I could live staunch with the scars.

Wish I could have a life I can never have.

My Love's lovely love

2009-08-17T12:26:00.000-07:00

He wakes me up

With his sunshine smile,

He takes me to

The fairy world for a while,

He kisses me like crazy

And makes me sigh,

He makes me grow

Wings to fly,

He sings me songs

With his voice so sugar,

He pretends to be

In awe with my figure,

He fills me with joy

Upto the brim,

He makes me love

Myself, my life and him!

Breakup Part 2

2009-08-17T12:17:00.000-07:00

Its strange...this feeling...

Are you as empty inside as me?

I pretend all the bliss...

All I want is to miss and to be missed.

Are you, too, sad and yearning inside?

Or are you all done with keeping my things aside?

Do you miss the laugter, the peace, the fights?

Do you weep yourself to sleep every night?

Does everything around reminds you of me?

Or are you alrerady trouble free?

I know every bit of this will go...

Your dead love will kill my love so...

All I really wanna ask...

How long will this pain last?

Does it hurt as much as it does to my heart?

Is it not worth a new start?

Tell me one thing I wanna know but can't see...

Sweety, are you over me?

:)

2009-08-17T12:11:00.000-07:00

Never thought a song like this would influence me so much.

This and air.

Stays with me.

Maanga jo mera hai...

Jaata kya tera hai...

Maine kaun si tujhse jannat maang lee!

Kaisa Khuda hai tu,

Bas naam ka hai tu,

Rabba jo teri itni si bhi na chali!

2009-08-17T12:08:00.000-07:00

My anguish lies between the offset of summer and the arrival of spring;

My wondering belongs to the aeon of between.

Why was I the witness of a shine and a lush leaf?

I wanted winter. I wanted Me. I wanted him.

2009-03-29T13:49:00.000-07:00

...It is when you can't sleep. When you keep thinking about him. When you relate songs to moments spent with him. When you start smiling out of the blue. When you keep looking at his pictures. Keep wondering what he's like. Day-dream of meeting him. It is, when you're hurt. When you want him to be there for you all the time. It is when you experience jealousy for any matter. It is there. It is love.

2009-02-26T20:56:00.000-08:00

He.

That’s all that matters– to him and me.

He reaches me like a tiny glint.

In the vindictive shadows of eerie reminiscences!

So full of himself, so quenched!

In his vicinity I’m a mile away

From qualms and murky pains.

His snicker is the sand of bliss.

His swear- an endearing feat.

None can get over his tone-

When he wants something and mopes for it.

It’s not viable for you to plead your case.

That smile could bring slaves of Athens to verve.

Obstinate enough to make you solicit,

Too much for himself to contain.

He owns me- this clueless charmer.

Opaque

2009-02-21T22:56:00.000-08:00

Sparkling from the sinister night-
A spoon of condemned smile
A gulp of sore water,
Touching the withered skin of my hands.
The sigh of the forlorn bird-
Far away in some distant land,
Surrendering to the loss of the new born
Still it has music of its own.
The question hangs in the secured air.
There have been eons; none like this.
Trickling down my eyes some balmy fluid;
Still no liberation from the jinxed knots.
Time is dancing a massacre of its own.
Ever-lasting-the silhouette of doom;
I call for a glimmer of optimism.
But there’s zilch. There will be zilch.

A bucket of blood.

2009-02-21T04:10:00.000-08:00

Dad’s in the hospital. This is the third time since last month that we took him to the emergency. This time and the last time, it was me who decided he should be rushed to the hospital. He was shivering today, in the afternoon, at about 2. Shivering and unconscious. And he had these purple semi-circles on his eye-lids. Last time was more difficult. I saw him vomit blood. A bucket of blood.

I think I’m never going to forget the dream I saw that morning. Early Monday morning, the 2nd of February. I saw a lady, a holy lady, one who looked like Mother Teresa in the same adornment. My selfish instinct, I asked her, Will I be fine? She replied, “Oh yes! You’ll be okay.” The next question did surprise me a bit, “Will ma be okay?” She put a divine smile on her face and it glowed, “yes honey, God will take good care of her.” And then came the Big question, “My dad will be alright, na?” And she smiled. I was shouting, “Will he be okay?” She smiled. I shouted again. And then there was darkness. I can never forget that smile, it haunts me sometimes. I woke up with a bang on my door. The bang marked the pandemonium. I then knew he was never going to be the same.

I love my Dad.
It took me a world to type these three words. My dad has been my life support system. No words. Simply no words to describe what he is for me. Never in his life did he tell anyone that he was in pain. By no means, in no way. But I know his suffering had augmented severely since the last month. But he’d never tell. What took all of me was the way he used to look at me. He told me he didn’t want pain no more.

I miss my dad. Now he’s nothing but pain. His pain, my pain, our pain.

Back to the Scratch...

2009-02-17T06:13:00.000-08:00

Once again Life has brought me to an exit. Yes, yes there’s a door too. I always knew this would happen, didn’t I? I’ll get over things, who doesn’t? But why in a convoluted way? Why can’t things be simple for me? I feel like I’ve been scuffling with a number of issues at the same time. Nothing new. I think it’s perfect. Let’s just give life the throw this time. I haven’t been able to set the air my way anyways! I think I’ll just go where it takes me. Getting hurt is a habitual feat now. Arising from the marred has been the same. Let the flute play. Let love come along again. Don’t I just love being in love?!

Coll-edge.

2008-11-05T05:47:00.001-08:00

The drama…the mirth…the tiffs…I miss it all! School life is the most precious memory I’ll have all my life. Stresses come up now, when we thought college would be for smooching. And there is fucking no time for love now. You figure out reality once you’re face-to-face with it! Now they tell us what it takes, until now they were smiling evil on our innocence. I miss moments that cannot be put into words. They say college life is rocking. Well, they’re wrong. It sucks. Why? Because there is this veracity that if you don’t concentrate on the dismal studies, you’ll ruin your life, and most importantly, no one will care. With 4 lakh engineers per year, India won’t require you backlogged. To be true, I’m not hating the subjects as I used to, but no wonder I’ll never fall in love with them.

A curve.

2008-11-02T07:47:00.000-08:00

A dream to bake…a choice to make
Which is your today…may be not tomorrow
Why cry darling, why cry?
When it’s not worth, your sorrow!
You now know what people say…
About weeping from within?
They’ll pierce your heart again and again
Even if you give your soul for nothing…
Smile and the world will envy,
Smile and they’ll go mad wondering
Why is she so happy…we’ve ruined her!?
Was she the player…did she win!?
I know how it feels with an empty heart.
It takes a lot of time, you know.
But then why show the globe you’re weak.
Beam at them-friend or foe,
And they’ll know you’ve got valor!
And He, darling, will never come back.
Tell it to yourself each time you breathe,
There’s nothing, nothing, nothing you lack,
It’s him who will get no rose on death.

A series of struggles...

2008-08-02T22:32:00.001-07:00

Let's live again. Yeah! Seems that life is never going to quit. Efforts are never gonna get ceased! A moment next brings a huge smile on my face! Leaving past the Past, there's a new future to step into! The lamp dims and oil rains! A step forward to life. Leaving School has been a double faced realm for me! A tear gone and a wet eye. A wound and Heal at the same time! As I step into the college life, I now realise why people relent leaving school! Wet eyes again! A feeling none can explain to none! A fear, anxiety. You may get the best of life and success ahead, but what you've had in school life is to be cherished forever! A song by Keats comes to my mind- "a living smile on my face, hollow in heart, something lies behind - I'll never get over past!"

FACE TO FACE WITH LIGHT

2008-08-02T22:32:00.000-07:00

It’s just an un-obvious reason that I’m writing again. Love - truly said the most beautiful thing created by the Almighty! I’ll just make an attempt to put in words what runs my life this period. I’m not in sanity; it’s a consequence of consequences. Like the first sight, the first pride, the first doping session! I’ve completely lost it, and you might call me a nutty person! I meet my luck who tells me that I’m blessed to be blossomed with love. The sky walks along with me and the air is all mine! All I need is one person. I’d never thought my life would ever be constricted to a single soul! But he has it all! My quench for him never dies. I never used to notice the seasons changing; now I do. And Ho may God, sleepless nights! My heart clenches for him. I’m scared of changes no more! Who the hell made love Goddamnit! My eves run away to the sky and my breaths seek solemnity! A moment to share with him- and I’d give the most precious thing I possess. And silence. Some more. Some more silence. I just love my heart being so light and things happening on their own. And a smile on my face. Most crucially, it makes you fearless! That’s the best part about it. It kills the haunted memories! It gives you the efficiency to say at your best – To Hell with the World! You’d experience bliss in tears, and calm in giggles. It’s just him all together, inside out! A new morning… and there He is – coming back to me again!

Crave.

2008-07-19T11:30:00.000-07:00

My soul remains craving...
Your voice saddens me by...
My source to live were you!
Where did life fly?

I recall the endearing time we spent.
Unceasing words from me to thy...
And unending love from you to me.
Hell Where did life fly?

The feeling of calm in your hands...
Now my palms just sigh.
The warmth of care you evinced...
Where did life fly?

Where would i be....without u hon?
Where the hell would've been I?
You've nurtured not only my soul and heart,
But where did life fly?

I solely await your presence.
Whisper into the unfailing cry.
Hold me tight, real tight this time!
So life travels by...

Tingled Passion

2007-10-23T12:22:00.000-07:00

Tell me how many beads there are....

In a silver chain,

Of evening rain,

In the December snow,

And the diamond glow,

In the burning tar,

And threading the eye of a yellow star,

In the seed’s womb,

In the princess’s Tomb,

In the yelling voice,

In the mass-rejoice!

Oh! Tell me how many beads there are...

In a silver chain,

Of evening rain,

So many times do I love again!

A 17-year old recluse.

2007-10-18T00:16:00.010-07:00

Solitudinarian Mephistophelian.

That's some word that describes me true.A confounded 17 year old emaciated adolescent. Life, to her, is next to nix. She knows how to dissipate it...worthlessly. But since ever, in her heart, she knows... she's been a saphead.She was a prenominal scholar....once....unsurpassed....with an avidness to reach the zenith.She had this requisite detest for masses which tried to adjudicate her solemn travail to work...hard and harder!~

After my first few lines are well imprinted, in the minds of anyone who reads them, as a joke, I shall commence with all the other abstract things I have to say.

I was and am a genuine girl.I wont blout about saying "im popular among guys" but i hate myself when i am being discussed among a group of pathetic losers.Most of the guys i met or meet....are hapless!The others...are good....just good...so they're my friends.When i meet a guy..the first feeling is so warm that it doesnt even lemme think about him like the other way...at that point of time i'd rather want him to be my friend...the maximum.

But yes. I love. I do love. And love more. I think it keeps me alive. I don’t know what sort of love I’m talking about. Not specifically the family love, the parental love, the brotherly or the sisterly love, the spiritual love, not even the funny infatuated teenage love. I guess i live love. Why? Sometimes when you don’t know the meaning you move towards an answer and patiently wait for it to take form.But for all rest things..I hate.

U surely might think that im superficial.Most of them do.Just because i dont talk much they think im fake.Im some haughty pimp..an attention seeker..the biggest confession i have ever made is that i live a dual life...yes i do...and im so much happy with it that i dont want it to change..ever...nor wud i want mingling up of things.. Because both the cosmos's are true...factual in every damn sense...The latter part that is vulnerable to most of the people is less liked though....BY ME.

Recalling that extra-studious nerd, her life changed only when she topped her tenth board examination. She retrieves the casualties involved in the process and finds there were many. She used to plunge into that 20x18 cream walled room for hours and hours deeply dissolved in her books.

She knew nothing...of guys, of parties, of fun, of sluts, of beaches, of moonlight, of candles, of obssession,of money,of sarcasm,of wit,of ecstasy,of rain,of the orchids....She knew about books.Mention her a line...She'd tell you the page number: She'd answer any social study question....but couldnt answer life.

Her life then changed. Totally. One single day, and she was never the same girl. The tenth board results were out. Her prayers were answered! She had excelled. Happy.

Life..as one knows it! It took her to a well-known; rather elite school of the city, not to forget a girls one. She had been neural and affright and what not! As i remind myself...the day proved to be the best one of her life! She met 7 sorcerours. And Bingo! She knew what life was...

Not even Zeus can put into words what her life was for the next one year! She flunked her eleventh with no regrets. She'd changed. She knew what it was to have fun. That there were better things in life than becoming a geek. She had her priorities changed. Her whisms endured. She knew the meaning of friends. And school.

An incident and everything changed! Her world changed. Again. Yet again. To this damn day she doesnt know whom to blame. She does that to herself. She had not acted wisely...bleh! Wisely is such a big word! She had acted ludicrous. Nonsensical. Preposterous. Inane. The World's most wanted loser!:)

She's been fighting. Ever since. I think it's vindicated myself. Because life gives and takes. She took her friends and gave her love. A man who helped her out to survive and face the world again. A man she can never forget. Never in her life and aboard. God had been merciful! Generous. A man who made her rethink what her mother was to her and who made her resolve out of attaint and trauma both!

So far...she feels her life has been colourful...! Some shades of blue and a lot of pink. Even if she loses everything, she knows she'd gain emptiness. She knows the value of having a human life! Laughter, cry, joys, sorrows, trust, pain...she knows what all of it actually means and enjoys having the same!

A thought... to people who find life difficult, and think they are miserable... revive some of the moments of your life...moments that cease to non-exist. People who've been angelic to you...even if they've turned dogs now...there was a point of time you loved life, and trust a dying man, there will come another!

The fragrance of the beloved~*~

2007-10-18T00:16:00.008-07:00

Yer essence lyz deep beneath
Luk in ma heart itz here!
Evn iv u say u wer neva myn
It’ll olways lie there!!

Ma hands tremble when I touch flowerz,
N I shake wit fear insight ov trust,
Uve made meeh weak n smothered meeh,
And u say “lets part…its must!”

Um neva gonna fuhget those flowerz,
Nor the drives,chats in the nites,
Nor the ring which spkz ov luv n mistrust,
Nor those tiffs those qute fyts@!

I love u n the world will kno!
I love u n tht um gona show!
I love u n will do until I finish!
I love u n I’ll neva let’u go!!

Open yer eyez n lisn to yer soul,
How can u fuhget the old for new??
Or else cum n kill meeh….stab ma heart
Cuz I cant…jus cant liv widout u!!!:(

But none can eva kill tis essence,
In evy corner ov ma heart its knit,
Evy breath ov myn speaks ov ur love,
And afta mee ma grave will speak ov it!!

~~~~ana~~~~

COULD I HAVE A DREAM

2007-10-18T00:16:00.007-07:00

Now this one is real special....written by a very special friend....he wrote them three for me.... We talk nomore...but this is a real prized possession:)

mani:)

Could I have a dream.......
To sit wid you for a while........
Could I have a dream........
To make u happy n see u smile........

Could I have a dream........
To eat ice-cream wid u honey........
Two of us n just 1 cup, wid 1 spoon........
I hope I sound romantic n not funny.........

Could I have a dream.........
2 walk wid u for a mile.........
I know u’ll find it weird........
But to me my dreams don’t sound futile….

Could I have a dream........
To lay flowers wherever u sit….
Hey...common now….I was kidding...
Just don give a damn to it.........

Could I have a dream..........
Wid u on my lap..........
My arms around u........
N I just hope not 2 expect a slap..........

Cud I have a dream 2 be Ur hubby……….
The very thought just makes me so happy…….
Give it a chance sweetheart……
I promise, ill manage the child n his nappy……

Cud I have a dream to hug you once…
N sum where even u wanna I suspect…..
Coz sumwhere u like me….
Well, what to say…..thats my effect….

Cud I have a dream …….
To tightly hold u!
Coz sum1 has truly said that……….
Real friends are very few……..

Cud I have a dream that Ur arms will be there…..
When it wud be the time 4 me to fall…….
Coz after those precious moments……Perhaps ill have no1 as sweetheart to call……

Shattered?

2007-10-18T00:16:00.006-07:00

u neva tuk nythn to meanings~
neva realised i told u muh feeling~
neva accepted the fact that i luved u~
neva trusted on de heartiest dealing~

u tuk it as a joke...now and then,
u said i felt lyk a stoopid kid,
u thought itz ol to be sumfin hillarious,
neva scratched the luv i hid!

u broke muh heart several tymz,
u didnt evn kno that i was crying~
ur seperation was sumffin i loathed to hell~
smile on de face~but muh heart was sighing~
but in de end i want u to kno~
the trust u gave me~i'll break it-neva!
i'd lie in the grave but wud neva lie~
i'd remain numb~and silent foreva!

so it has to be you!!
the first smile...the first hand~
ask yer heart...jus ask it once
n lemme kno...where do i stand:):):)!

U!!!~*

2007-10-18T00:16:00.005-07:00

U……!!!!!

U were there weneva I wanted,
U were there wen da day was dark,
U were there wen ppl taunted,
U were there to lite up with a spark!!

U were there for sharing ol da bad,
U were there to sweeten up ma day,
U were there to make mee feel glad,
U were there for mee to pray!!!

I’ll fight with God for mee u said…..
U said I’ll olways be beside,
Now wat do I do um reely afraid,
Cuz no one’s there for mee to guide……..

Um lonely unhappy waiting still!!
Will wait till da the last air I take,
Hopes are strong regrets are nil….
Come back….ma love…..for God’s sake!!!

Just hold ma hand lyk u did before,
And take out ol da bitterness from inside,
And wipe ma tears n make mee sure,
U’ll olways be the one—ma LUV, ma GRACE, and ma PRIDE!!!!!!

UnBoRn:(

2007-10-18T00:16:00.003-07:00

I'm just a little feller,

Who didn't quite make it there;

I went straight to be with Jesus

But I'm waiting for you here.

Don't you fret about me mommy

I'm of all God's most blest;

I'd have loved to stay there with you

But the Shepard knows what's best.

Many dwelling here where I live

waited years to enter in,

struggled through a world of sorrow

and their lives were marred with sin.

So sweet mommy don't you sorrow

wipe those tears and chase the gloom,

I went straight to Jesus' Bosom,

from my lovely mothers womb.

Thank you for the life you gave me,

it was brief but don't complain;

I have all of heaven's glory suffered

none of earthlings pain.

Thank you for the name you gave me,

I'd have loved to brought it fame

but if I'd lingered in earth's shadows

might instead have brought it shame.

The first Loner....

2007-10-18T00:16:00.002-07:00

I loved it wen u called hey gurl,
Mah heartbeat fastened and took a swirl,
I used to smile n blush n curl,
I knew I’d treasure u lyk a pearl.
And then those drive long and alone,
And those sweet chats on da phone’
And those flowers smelling so sweet,
And those feelings so pure, so neat!
But this is not done…n this is not fair,
How did u think tat I didn’t care?
I cared….I did n I did realize
And the happiness deep in mah heart still it lies…….
Wat was mah fault???
That mah feelingz were left unexpressed
The pleasure untold wen u caressed,
Did that mean that I didn’t love u?
Olwayz I thought that u olways knew…….
That u r the one I adore,
Nothing in this whole world will I love more
Than u who means life to meeh
U didn’t knoe and u let me free……..
But today I feel like echoing the unspoken,
I still love u but mah heart is broken,
I won’t die if u don’t come back
But livin would be dreadful cuz life will lack……
N tears wud be my dear friends
Jus giv me back mah life I lend
Or cum back n urself witness
Mah life is no more than a mess……..
Ill wait n wait n wait for long
For u to come back n move along
Hands in hands as we did
N leave no sorrow not a bit…….!!!!!!!

The Rise……

2007-10-18T00:16:00.001-07:00

Farthest from a bud to bloom,
Farthest from a bird to fly,
Farthest from a love to fulfill,
Listen to meeh……oh world I cry!

And yes my eyes do speak!
Look into them just don’t feel shy,
But my lips are dumb…very silent,
Listen to meeh……oh world I cry!

What shuns mah soul is your presence,
And what kills it is the mumbled lie,
But mah lips are dumb…very silent,
Listen to meeh……oh world I cry!

What hampers meeh is the steep commotion,
Just looking at the sky with a sigh,
But silly are the people amongst,
Listen to meeh……oh world I cry!

But then mah heart realizes what’s true,
What’s mah old and what’s new,
Am no more dumb, no more silent,Listen to meeh oh world I smile!!!!!!!!!:)

Gimme some more...

2007-10-18T00:16:00.000-07:00

often to hear....
often to say.
often to curse....
often to pray.
often to love....
often to hate.
often to fight....
often to apologise.
often to truth....
often to lie.
often to sorrow....
often to glee.
often to you....
often to me:)

somethings left UNSAID.
some feelings left UNLAID.
some more CARe to show.
some more LOVE to grow:)
some more sieving tears.
some more haunting fears.
SOME MORE TO TEND...
GIMME SOME MORE TO END:(

~*ANA*~